Dear Friends,
Seekers are on the fast track, and therefore face a heightened existential dread, particularly during Dark Night of the Soul episodes. This is because trauma sensations must be revisited and embodied in order to release them from the energy field. Spiritual growth entails continuous volunteerism for the uncomfortable states associated with dismantling ego defenses. Do not be intimidated! It’s worth it and you are more capable than you know. You are a front-runner and it is a placement of profound privilege.
You may experience existential dread as a creepy, disgusted feeling, like you are being marched towards a firing squad with no chance of escape. You’re not alone. This can be prompted by difficult tasks such as confronting a shadow element that would prefer not to see because it triggers shame (envy, laziness, greed, lust, etc.). Perhaps your innermost wisdom is calling for this shadow element to be exposed in a way that would challenge a self-image that was built up self-protectively in early life. If your early caregivers lived in denial of their own shadows, you were likely programmed by a family narrative of toxic spiritual bypassing. It’s not your fault. It would not have been safe for you to embrace your full human messiness if there was not an adult present modeling fearless and honest self-responsibility. Your early life dependency and vulnerability pressured you to deny your shadow elements. That isn’t a reflection on your character. That is basic survival and you had to do it at that time.
There is a lot of good news about existential dread. First of all, there is no greater high than overcoming fear. And just like another other high, it is addictive. Once you get a taste, you learn that it is worth it, which makes it easier to tolerate, and even to embrace, as you look forward to the benefits. Years ago, I worked in a job with a boss who was cruel to me in a way that I found to be unbearable. I was already in a Dark Night of the Soul after the painful end of a relationship. Coping with the constant aggressiveness pushed me to the edge of my functioning. I tried everything to wiggle out of whatever this nightmarish lesson was supposed to be, including plant medicine, people-pleasing, battling the bully for control, frantic job-seeking, and dissociation. There was no escape. Finally, one day I surrendered. I extended myself to her by inviting her to an event, which she appreciated, because of course her behavior was simply about wanting attention and love, like all of us. She softened towards me and became more peaceable. I felt I had cracked a code, like a magician. As it turns out, humility was the only answer. I felt a surge of physical energy and empowerment. Avoidance deprives you of this feeling.
It's helpful to think of yourself as slightly detached from your avatar, or conditioned self. When you are aligned with your Soul, and making choices from that place, you will always be coaxing the ‘small self,’ or persona along, like a child. When a child resists something for their own good, you must be loving and patient, but you are the ultimate authority and have the right to gently override unhealthy tendencies. Think of yourself as the puppeteer, wisely propelling the self through the tough conversations, the humbling concessions, and the disillusionment of fantasy. When you are not fused with the ego identity, everything matters less. Life is an experiment. The stakes are not so high.
Ego transformation involves suffering because of shame. You can’t allow yourself to be so convinced by shame. It’s a racket and doesn’t deserve credence. Dysfunctional families are shame factories. A major benefit of confronting fear is that shame is revealed to be an illusory bogeyman. Shame will tell you, for instance, that it is dangerous and distasteful to admit to a shortcoming, or to take a risk. The exact opposite is true. You will only gain through your courageous spiritual development, and especially by shadow work. When you can see shame as a lie, then it doesn’t have as much power over you. It’s something to be worked out of your system, like how you process your emotions. You are not obligated to indulge it. Be patient with yourself, because when you have a lot of trauma, it takes a long time to clear shame. There is no rush. Life is not some kind of mad dash for enlightenment. During periods when you are confronting existential dread directly, you will shed a lot of shame from your body. You will greatly enjoy the resulting lightness and joy.
If you’re interested in exploring how you can overcome existential dread, consider booking a session with me. I would be honored to support you on your journey. I’m offering discounted pricing through January 20th for new and existing clients:
$130 for 60-minute sessions (normally $150)
$175 for 90-min sessions (normally $200)
$600 for 5-session packages (normally $650)
I would also like to invite you to join my Patreon membership, which entails weekly Tarot readings. Many of the topics I discuss in my content emerge during these readings. Please join me there! Click here for a preview.
I’m sending you so much love!
